Through sheer force of her indomitable will, Marlene Krauss, M.B.A., M.D., PlD. bends the very fabric of reality to suit her needs. After becoming the first woman ever admitted to Harvard Business School – outside of an insignificant trickle of lesser women – she went on to dominate Wall Street for eight years, cornering the gold market and bringing the financial world to its knees. “You’ve never seen so many grown men cry,” she says. “Weaklings. They were throwing themselves out of windows when I was done with them.”
Suffering from a case of terminal boredom, Marlene became the first woman to enroll in Harvard Medical School – once again, outside of several others – finishing in less than a semester and subsequently hanging out her shingle as a practicing proctologist.
“They were ass-clowns to bet against me,” she told a reporter from The Daily Sycophant, “I defy God himself to put a limit on my powers.” Now, slammin’ hot at 60, she mud-wrestles women a quarter of her age at Spring Break venues around the globe.
It does bother her, however, that Hillary is the one getting all the attention. “I could beat that bitch like a drum,” she told Puff-Piece Weekly. “And if my husband ever got a blow job from a intern – not to mention that disgusting thing with the cigar – there’d be one less pair of testicles this side of the Rio Grande.”
Together with her husband, who she met at his funeral, Marlene founded several health-care companies, including Cambridge Hiney, a maker of Tuchas decloggers for patients susceptible to chronic constipation, and Mudflap Technology a developer and manufacturer of anal laser systems to correct saddle bags.
And now she has taken on the ultimate challenge, attempting to run the Chelsea Hotel. Tremble, Bohemians. -- Ed Hamilton